I’ve been thinking about blogging this for months now and I just haven’t had the emotional will power to do it. I’ve thought about a million things I want to say/write down for journaling purposes but I’m not sure I ever will be able to convey the thoughts and emotions I have felt. As I start to write this my heart beat is increasing already.
I have to start by saying 2011 ended better than we ever could have imagined. We were pregnant with baby #2. And not just pregnant but we were able to get pregnant on our own…no doctor’s appointments, no drugs, no blood work and tests…nothing…just the normal way most people get pregnant. I was so completely shocked. I had no idea how to experience finding out I was pregnant without everything I’ve been through in the past. To say I was excited would be a complete understatement. I felt so full of joy and excitement, to think, we were going to have a baby and we did it all on our own! I was so proud of my body for being able to do this!!! I felt a little more sick this time around but still wanted to keep things quiet. We decided to tell our families at Christmas time…I was about 9 weeks. I took a pic of RJ and framed it for the Grandparents, it was just adorable! Our families were ecstatic! Again, we asked for them to keep it within the family for now. I had my first doctor’s appt. the first week of January so I wanted to wait until then.
We decided to go visit the Cash family for New Year’s and had such a fun time! The night before we were to leave, January 1st we were playing games when I had to use the restroom…I was feeling really sick. I went to go and as I looked down my worst nightmare had come to pass, there was blood. It was still dark but more than you would want to see. Rob had noticed blood on the blanket I was sitting on and came to check on me. Those moments will always be frozen in my mind…I felt like time stopped. I couldn’t breathe, think or move. I had no idea what to do. April came to check on me and I just couldn’t even believe what was happening. She was so strong and supportive and kept telling me that it might be nothing. I laid down for the rest of the night and cried. I stopped bleeding after that but every time I would use the restroom there was dark brown blood streaks. I hardly slept that night. I just remember pleading with my Heavenly Father for support and for this baby to be ok. The next morning was the same thing…nothing much going on, no cramping and not much blood at all. We decided to drive home that night so that RJ would sleep and so that I could just rest all day. We drove home that night and nothing new was happening. That next morning was my appt. I had called my Mom the day before and she came over and was waiting for us so that she could help with RJ and watch him when we went to the doctor.
The minute I walked into the doctor’s I told them what was going on. The front desk girl told me the ultrasound tech was getting ready to leave but they would get me in right away to see what was going on. I look back and I’m amazed at how well I held it together. I didn’t cry during the ultrasound, even though they told me the baby was measuring only 7 weeks and as I watched that screen I knew, my baby wasn’t moving. The tech was so nice and kept telling me that my date might be off and it might be too early, etc. We then went to wait for the doctor. He came right in and was instantly sympathetic. He explained that the baby was small, there was no movement but again I could be off on my date. He told me that it was hard to say but he was pretty sure I was in the process of miscarrying the baby. He gave us our options…wait and see if my body will do it or schedule a d&c. I was just in shock so we decided to go home, see what happens and wait for my blood work. The blood work would tell us if my date was wrong and what we should be seeing in the ultra sound. We talked about how I have been pregnant three times with only one successful and how the baby was growing but stopped at 7 weeks. There is no way to know why that happened but he suggested that next time around I should take progesterone, a hormone to support the baby until the placenta takes over. He said that sometimes the body thinks the placenta is ready to take over when really it isn’t. He told me that usually they start this when a woman has miscarried three times but that he thinks we should be proactive, which I totally was up for! Anything I can do to try and avoid this again sounds good to me. That night I went home and the bleeding and cramping worsened, I was miscarrying. Unfortunately it decided to stop again. My doctor…who is amazing…called me personally the next morning to check on me and to tell me that my blood work showed that the baby should be bigger and that there should be movement. When I told him I was bleeding and stopping, bleeding and stopping he said we needed to do the d&c. The next day I went in. Luckily they put you under and within a few hours we were home. It was definitely less painful compared to miscarrying on your own.
The days following are such a blur to me. Life seemed to stop…except of course when it came to RJ. I didn’t talk to hardly anyone for weeks, I cried more than I ever have before, I hated going to bed at night…I would do everything in my power to put it off. I would watch tv until the wee hours while Rob slept and hoped and prayed it would be easier to close my eyes and sleep but it wasn’t. During the day I was busy with RJ and loving him but at night I was alone and my mind would race. I cried myself to sleep for a long, long time. Goodness, there are still nights I do. Friends have asked if this time was harder than last and honestly I feel like they were both hard for different reasons. I try so hard to be strong and not question “why me” but I do it and of course I have no answer. I have lost two babies and I will forever feel an emptiness in my hear for them. I feel so empty some days…physically and emotionally. I am constantly thinking about how far along I would be and I ache inside to see that baby bump and feel that baby move inside of me.
We have been able to try now for two months and I have been using the ovulation sticks and nothing has shown up, no ovulation for two months straight. It drives me crazy. I just can’t stop thinking about getting pregnant. I was going to wait 4 months before calling my doc but I decided that I just can’t emotionally take it any longer. I called and they gave me clomid again. I pray that it will work. They always say that after you miscarry you are more fertile but trust me, that is not always true. I feel like it makes me not ovulate. I try with all of my might to not think about getting pregnant but I can’t help it, it is always on my mind.
The month of January was so hard for me. I completely shut down in some ways. I apologize to those who have felt the distance from me. I promise, it’s not you…it’s me. There are days and situations I just have to turn away and shut down to protect myself emotionally, nobody can understand this unless they have experienced this. It’s hard to see others pregnant and know that I am not but I am still so, so happy for them. Having a baby is such a miracle and I hope that everyone knows that. I know I will have my hard days but luckily I have more good than bad. I get frustrated with myself when I let the anger overcome me and I try with all of my might to not let that happen but I’m only human and sometimes it happens.
I don’t really know how to end this. I never intended it to be this long but for journaling purposes I’m sure I will one day look back and be glad that I wrote this all down. There are so many more emotions and things I want to say but I can’t even put them into words. I do have to thank my Mom for her love and support and for helping with RJ and for taking care of me. I have to thank April for being such an amazing friend. She was there for me from the beginning, she called me often and let me cry when I needed to. April, you will always hold such a special place in my heart.
This is the picture we took of RJ….I love him so much I can’t even handle it. I’m so grateful for him and for Heavenly Father blessing me with him, I love being a Mom and hope and pray that I will be one again. At this point hope and prayer is all I have to keep me moving forward.
Forgive me if this post sounds crazy, I can’t go back and read it so what you see is what you get. lol
